Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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