I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
