There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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