At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this just has baby written all over it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
