I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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