U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
