I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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