Having a random hookup so left but love u
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
