someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
