I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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