you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
