She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
