I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
