I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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