That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
