I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
