she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
