My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
