I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
