rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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