It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
