I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
