I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
