so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
