great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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