i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
