dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
