p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
