I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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