I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
