I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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