I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
