This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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