sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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