So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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