remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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