And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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