I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
