im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
