Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
