How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
