K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
