I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
