Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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