i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
