I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
