I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize