i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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