Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
