Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
why is half of my head shaved?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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