no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
