if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
