You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
