i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
