be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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