Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
