wakey wakey hands off snakey
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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