I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
