I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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