the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
