So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
