Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
