So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
